Welcome to Perpetiel's Blog

Before self-care September finished I wanted to share my self-care awareness story – the time when I really realised the importance of self-care.

So I have always been good at curving time out for myself even when life was busy – when I had a super busy job in London I used to go for fortnightly nail and facial appointments and do weekly dance classes.

Then I had children and after the birth of my first child I became ill – it’s a story in itself but the summary is that after 2 years I got a diagnosis of 2 autoimmune conditions and I had changed how I lived my life.  This is when Perpetiel was born :0)

4 years later I had my second child (another story in itself I guess due to risks associated with health issues) and afterwards I got very ill.  I had to come off my medication when pregnant and couldn’t go back on it while breastfeeding – breastfeeding was something I really wanted to do; it was important to me and I knew it was important to my baby.  I had breastfed my first for a whole year and trained as a breastfeeding peer-supporter to help others after we had had to work at it due to tongue tie.

My Mum came down from Northumberland to look after me and our little family – she ended up staying weeks and weeks.  All the time I was in bed and not getting better.  My GP told my Mum I had to get back on my meds but I really wanted to keep breastfeeding my baby.  In reality I wasn’t doing myself or anyone else any good, including my newborn baby. I wasn’t living and enjoying time with my family, I wasn’t able to coach and help my clients.  More time passed – I have to admit I don’t know exactly how long and I still didn’t get better.  My sister-in-law, who is a GP, called and told me that if I didn’t stop breastfeeding and start taking my medication I would end up in hospital. 

We all cried.  Even writing this today, nearly 9 years later, makes me emotional. 

In addition to taking my meds I had to get really good at lots of new things like managing my energy better, learning to say no to people, learning to ask for help, doing just the right amount of the right kind of exercise and being OK with cancelling social events (this taught me who my real friends were).

Nowadays I work hard to manage my life so I can live my life and a big part of that is self-care.

Today is World Mental Health Day and I wanted to share something with you that I recently learnt about.  This week I finally got around to watching Alistair Campbell’s Horizon programme called Depression and Me.  In it he shares his personal journey with depression and explores ways of managing it.

The last thing in the programme he learns about is a simple metaphor – the jam jar metaphor.  A specialist in Toronto explains it to him as the jam jar is your mental health, problems occur when the jar overflows – maybe depression or OCD etc.

We are all born with genetic factors – the sediment in the jar – the rest of the jar gets filled up with life experiences and environmental factors.  Sometimes the jar fills to overflowing.  Jehannine Austin goes on to explain that the legacy of Sigmund Freud is that we dig around in the stuff at the bottom of the jar thinking that it is the best way to find out what has gone wrong, and how to begin to fix it.  More commonly these days we might see therapists who help us unpick the experiences going in and out of the jam jar life. But both of these approaches presuppose that we can undo what has been done. WE CAN’T. We can’t empty the jam jar, she explained “but we can make the jar taller so it can accommodate more environmental or experiential stuff without it getting full’.

Ah ha!!! You can enlarge the jar to help manage your mental health!

In the documentary Alistair goes on to list the things that make his jam jar bigger including family, friends, paid and unpaid work, exercising etc and he thinks that focusing on enlarging his jar is better for him than the various scientific approaches he tries.

The jam jar metaphor clicked with me, not just because I walk this balance in my life, but because as a coach I am always helping people to be happier at work and in their personal lives.  I hadn’t realised it but I often help clients by helping them to enlarge their jars!

On World Mental Health Day why don’t you think about how full your jar is? And if you need to enlarge it, what’s the best way for you to do that?

I am often heard quoting Henry Ford who said “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”

So, to follow logically, to get something different, you have to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.  The problem is that doing something different can be, amongst other things, frightening, logistically tricky or physically challenging.

When we work together I will help you to break down your limiting beliefs, develop the skills and abilities needed and support you as you ‘do your something different’.

But what sort of a coach would I be if I didn’t lead by example?

I am always striving to develop myself and step out of my comfort zone – sometimes that’s in unusual ways like taking part in a photoshoot with the title Fur Coat & No Knickers!

You can read more about it and how we were breaking down stereotypes here. FurCoatNoKnickers

I am proud of myself for doing it, and of helping a friend to achieve her vision. I had an amazing morning and have made memories for life – it reminded me that life is for living!

So, what are you going to do that is outside your comfort zone?

So, this is the end of the first full week of January 2019.  How have you been?

I have been wondering whether you set new year’s resolutions and how you’re doing with them because I read earlier in the week that 80% of new year resolutions fail by February! 

This time last year I tried to help you set new year’s resolutions that you were more likely to achieve because they were SMART – check that blog out here.

This year I have been thinking about how we can all be more successful in achieving our goals, after all Perpetiel is the angel of success. 

While thinking about goals I have successfully achieved and those I have helped others achieve I realised that it’s not just about setting a SMART goal but it’s also about wanting to achieve that goal – really really wanting to achieve something you’ve not done before.

Chances are your new year’s resolution isn’t that easy, otherwise you would have already done it so what’s your personal motivation this year?

Lots of you might be setting goals to double business turnover or lose weight or reduce the plastic you use.  You might have set a similar SMART goal to someone else you know but what’s the difference between you and them achieving it?  What will get you through the tough days?  What will it mean to you when you achieve it?

Try it this way with your goal (which should already be SMART of course) inserted:

I will – insert your SMART goal here – tell me, really honestly why? 

I will – insert your SMART goal here – tell me, what does that mean to you?

I will – insert your SMARTgoal here – tell me, why now, what’s different now?

If I was coaching you I’d then take those answers and tweek my next few questions to get right down to the raw reason, to find your true motivation so that on rough days you’d be able to keep going and stay focused. 

Why not call me to book a free consultation to help you find your personal motivation – my number is 07971 919498.

Speak to you soon!  Jenny

For me today is the first day back at school after the kids have been off for a week.  I had a lovely week; seeing friends and family, not having to set the alarm and having plenty of cuddles and game time.

But today I am back to work in peace and have the largest to do list I’ve had in a long time.  It’s a mixture of business, personal, family and Girlguide related activities – so which do I do first and then what do I do next???

Time and task management come up at some point in most of the coaching sessions I have with clients, sometimes because it is something the client wants to work on and sometimes because the change they are making in their life requires them to look at how they organize and run their personal and/or work lives.  Coaching is bespoke to each client and so the solutions clients find with help from me are tailored to them.

How do you approach your to do list?

Do you need help tackling your to-do list?

Today I am starting with the activity that is causing me most pain, I want to remove that pain so I am then free to concentrate on other things.  I know that if I start with something nice the painful activity would be hanging over me and I also know that the relief I will feel of having removed the pain will set me up to be motivated for the rest of the day.

Later in the week I will stay focused by applying a version of the important-urgent model that works for me -it has to be flexible to allow for life though.

Some clients categorise their activities and do them at set times of the day or week, e.g. a finance hour or marketing afternoon.  Some people run through their list the day before and plan ahead, others wait and see what’s making the biggest noise when they walk into the office.  Some experts recommend not looking at emails first thing as they can derail you but that might not work for you. I like crossing items off a physical list while others use apps to keep track of what is left to be done or they have an assistant to guide them.

If you need some help with tackling your to-do-list why not call me on 07971 919498.

Today is Fight Procrastination day and so my first blog in a while is here to help you get things done.  It’s a collection of tips I’ve picked up while coaching clients in time management – things that really work.

Firstly, I would ask if it needs to be done and secondly, if it needs to be done by you – if the answer is yes it must be done and yes I can’t delegate it then try out some, or all, of these top tips and give me a call (07971 919498 Jenny@perpetiel.co.uk)  if you need any help, you could always book a free consultation:

Prioritise – Don’t try to get everything done in one day, it’ll only make you feel like a failure no matter what you achieve.  Depending upon the tasks think about just getting a few things done.  Consider what is the most important and urgent thing, or think about which task is bothering you the most and it’d be wonderful to have out of the way or do what will make you feel successful.

Don’t allow yourself to be distracted – remove anything that you know will draw your attention from what you have to do.

• If the stack of paper in your in tray is catching your eye, then take it off the desk. Don’t go through it, just move it away.
• If the email and facebook notifications are constantly beeping or popping up then turn them off and schedule time to check them. Why not check them first thing, before & after lunch, then before the end of the day?  Set a time that you’ll spend on them too so they don’t take over.
• If you are being interrupted then move yourself and work somewhere else. Work from home, rent a desk space or meeting room, go to a coffee shop

Take a short break – it’s easy to get stuck in a loop of avoiding something that needs to be done so take a break, do something completely different then return ready to tackle the task.  The key thing here is to not take a long break, don’t use it to procrastinate!  And of course the break from one task could be to focus on a different task that needs to be done.

Carrot & stick – What motivators are related to the task you’re avoiding – when you avoid this task what pain are you avoiding or what happiness are you receiving by not doing it?  Perhaps you’re scared to complete the presentation and have to share your thoughts with your colleagues or you feel happy in your comfort zone doing easier things.  Can you change or overcome this?

On the flip side of this you could work out what pain you may experience if you don’t do it and perhaps set yourself a reward for doing it.

Break it down – some tasks seem so large that it’s hard to know where to start!  It might seem better to avoid but it’s not likely to go away so try to look at the task as a sum of it’s parts instead.  How can it be broken down into smaller, more manageable tasks or steps.  My baby steps blog might help here.

If you would like to talk about applying these to your life then give me a call on 07971 919498 or email me at Jenny@perpetiel.co.uk.

My blogs so far have all been pretty positive and focused on how easy it is to take action to make a change in your life.  But what about the days when you can’t face taking that action or when things don’t go to plan and you feel like you just can’t do it?

Firstly, if this is a feeling you have regularly, and it is affecting your life in many ways then I’d urge you to speak to your GP.  They might think that you need some help.  Don’t see this as a weakness, approximately 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience a mental health problem each year [1] and in England, 1 in 6 people report experiencing a common mental health problem (such as anxiety and depression) in any given week [2].  The good news is that with the right support most people can be helped and fully recover.  Personally, I found CBT really helpful and it gave me tools to use after I’d finished seeing my therapist.  Coming out the other side ready to take on my new life was amazing!

If you know you don’t need that sort if help but are struggling then maybe one of the following might help:

• Don’t be so hard on yourself – you don’t have to be superwoman or superman everyday! Can you take some time off and do something different?  Even if only for a short time.
• Look at your support network – remember you’re not alone, who could you call or text for some assistance?
• Exercise – release those happy hormones by going to the gym, going for a walk or run or swim or ride, dance around the kitchen or whatever works for you.
• Evaluate if it’s the right thing – if you’re struggling to do it, is it the right thing right now or is there something else that needs to be done first?
• Try visualisation – sit in a quiet place, take a few slow breaths & close your eyes. Visualise what you want to achieve and what it means for you – what will you feel and look like when you achieve your goal?  Now see yourself doing what you need to do, take a really big breath, open your eyes and DO IT!
• Break it down – is it just too much in one go? Break it down to baby steps.
• Reward yourself – have you been slogging it out without any reward, think about where you’ve come from already and congratulate yourself and set a reward for the next goal too.

A lot of my clients come to me when they’re stuck, when they’ve tried the conventional and its not worked for them.  Coaching provides a bespoke service tailored to meet your needs – if you’d like to try a free session and find out more give me a call on 07971 919498 or email Jenny@perpetiel.co.uk

[1] McManus, S., Meltzer, H., Brugha, T. S., Bebbington, P. E., & Jenkins, R. (2009). Adult psychiatric morbidity in England, 2007: results of a household survey. The NHS Information Centre for health and social care.

[2] McManus S, Bebbington P, Jenkins R, Brugha T. (eds.) (2016). Mental health and wellbeing in England: Adult psychiatric morbidity survey 2014. Leeds: NHS digital.

Hi all and welcome to the second part of my 2 part blog introducing you to the wheel of life.

Last month I showed you how to use it to find out how balanced your life is and this month I’m going to show you how to use it to achieve your ideal life.

SO what is your ideal life?

It might be something that fits nicely into this lovely diagram, where you have success and you’re fulfilled – but what are you aiming for specifically?  I mean what makes you a success and what makes you feel fulfilled?  It’s a nice starting point but it’s not detailed enough.

That’s where the wheel of life comes in.

To look at how balanced your life is we scored each part of your life out of 10 for how satisfied you were.

This time I want you to think about what 10 out of 10 would be for each section.

As before you can rename sections, add in sections or split sections to make it work for you.

Really let yourself be free and think about your dreams and ambitions, think about things you’ve done and loved, people who make you complete… what is 10 out of 10?

When I go through this with clients I encourage them to write their thoughts out in a mind map or draw a picture to represent that ideal part of their life.  I prompt and help by asking questions such as, in your ideal life:

o   Where are you living?

o   What job/career are you doing?

o   What are you doing to stay in shape?

o   How many friends do you have, do they drop by or book in weeks in advance?

o   What sort of partner do you have & what sort of partner are you?

o   What do you believe in & how are you contributing?

o   What makes you smile?

Once you have your ideal life drawn or written out you can look at which parts of your life you need to work on, it might be something simple like getting outside more or perhaps it’s a larger thing like moving home or job.

One of my favourite things about doing this activity with clients is how excited they get when they realise that sometimes the mutually exclusive choice they thought they had to make doesn’t exist, but that actually their ideal life is a combination of their choices, for example by working flexibly from home 1 day a week they can spend more time with their family – something I refer to as having your cake & eating it.  And what not!?!  You only live once, you’ve got to love it!

If you want to make a change then your next step is to set a goal around that area of your life (see my SMART goals blog).  Of course doing this alone can be difficult so if you need a hand don’t hesitate to get in touch (Jenny@perpetiel.co.uk / 07971 919498) – I’d love to help you live your ideal life!

Sorry for the pun!  In this 2 part blog I’m going to be telling you all about the wheel of life.

The wheel of life is a tool that I use with a lot of clients at different stages of their coaching and for a couple of reasons.

It is primarily used to look at how balanced your current life is but I also like using it as a template to think about your ideal life.

Part 1 – How Balanced Is Your Life?

To use it to look at your life now, rate each part of your life out of 10 for how satisfied you are and mark it on the wheel (10 is the outside).

You can use the parts of life shown here, split them (for example separate family & friends) or change them to suit you.

When I go through this with clients I prompt and help by asking questions such as, do you expect to do well at work and be recognised for your contributions? Do you have friends you can trust & rely on?

The new perimeter of the circle represents your wheel of life.  Does it surprise you?

If it’s uneven then you’re likely to be experiencing a bumpy journey and perhaps need to make changes in some parts of your life.

If some areas score significantly less than others then you might be feeling unbalanced or as though you’re missing something, are you focusing on one thing at the expense of another for example?

Once you have your own wheel of life you can look at which parts of your life you would like to work on, it might be something simple like getting round to decorating your bedroom (physical environment) or perhaps it’s a larger thing like changing your job (career).

In this busy world with high demands from family and work I meet a lot of people who feel unbalanced and need to make some changes to give themselves time to exercise or focus on personal development.

What could you do in the next week?  or month?

If you are ready to make a change then you might find it helps to set a goal around that area of your life –   why not check out my SMART goals blog…

Doing all of this alone can be difficult so if you need a hand don’t hesitate to get in touch (Jenny@perpetiel.co.uk / 07971 919498)

I’d love to see your wheels!

Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!

I was talking to a friend about what I should focus my next blog on and he said that it had to be New Year’s resolutions.

When I asked why he said because they were seasonal plus most people set them but never keep them and that surely a coach would know how to ensure they were successful!!!

So this blog offers advice on how to ensure your new year’s resolutions are a success.

The first thing you need to do is make your resolution SMART:

Specific – There is no point in saying “I’m going to be happier this year”, you need to focus on one area of your life. For example perhaps you’re going to have more ‘me’ time. It’s also worth trying to base your goals on personal performance rather than outcomes which you have less control over.
Measurable – You need to be able to measure what you are achieving so you know when you achieve your goal, for example if you want to lose weight say how much & perhaps break it down to how much per month.
Agreed upon – write it down and keep it somewhere you see regularly. Also tell your family and friends so that they can support you too.
Realistic – if a goal is unrealistic then it is obviously more likely to not be achieved. However I am a great believer in achieving dreams so perhaps take that huge goal and break it down into realistic steps (see my baby steps blog).
Time-based – say by when you will have achieved your goal, don’t say “one day I will…” If you’ve broken your goal down into smaller steps then celebrate each time you’re successful, this will build confidence.

One of my own recent goals was setting up this new website ‘I will have a modern, informative website with a blog and face book page by the end of September 2017’. I broke the goal down into smaller chunks like finding a website designer for within my budget and writing pages by the date required by Anna.

One you’ve set your SMART goal(s) the next step is to actually go and do what you said you’d do. You know it’s achievable, you know what you need to do and you know when you need to do it by – so GO ON!!!

I hope you enjoy celebrating your successes and achieving your goals. If you need any help why not email me Jenny@perpetiel.co.uk – I’d really love to hear from you!